Tough Reminder from a Precious Pup

He was a nameless and lost 11 week old German shepherd puppy. With no tags or id chip, he made his way to a VA hospital and then directly to a veterinarian.  A contact of ours knew we were looking for a black GS and gave us a call.  We fell in love with our Behr immediately. 

Behr did come with baggage.  When we tried to pet his face, he would move it away and use his teeth to protect himself.  When my wife, Janice, tried to brush him, he reached around and bit her on the arm. When we took him in to the vet for the first time, the tech threatened to put him down right then because of Behr’s aggression toward him. One vet also told us not to let him around small children because he would see them as another animal and possibly attack them. We believe his first 11 weeks of puppy life had been filled with abuse and maybe even trauma.

We worked a lot with Behr to show him we were safe.  We gave him a treat when he would let us touch his face.  Only kind but firm words were expressed when we were training him.  We were never loud or aggressive with him because he always met aggression with aggression.  Some say that is the way of a GS, but we learned not to tempt fate.  We began to read his moods and knew when not to push him to do something he did not want to do.

Eventually, Behr trusted us.  Janice could brush him without him being afraid.  I could touch every part of him and even scrub his teeth without him flinching.  He was our shadow and had an especially secure attachment to Janice.  She talked to him all day and he tried desperately to understand.  Regardless, we were always aware that under the right circumstance, he could be dangerous.

Then it happened.  We had overnight guests at our house and as always, introduced them to Behr to show him of our approval of them.  He never showed any kind of aggression to anyone that we let into the house. After several hours of visiting, without any apparent provocation, he turn on the female.  He bit her hand and then faced off on her with all teeth showing.  Janice was even scared to grab his collar for correction.  Our worst nightmare came to life.  After 5 years of patiently showing him that his world was safe, we had to put him down. We have never felt such a deep sadness than when we returned to our empty home.

Trauma comes in all types and degrees of severity.  Common, everyday traumas might include losing a job, friends moving away, death of a friend or family, or even witnessing an accident.  I call these little “t” traumas. These traumas might not leave residual scares and can be rather quickly resolved.  But there are other forms of trauma that leave a lasting impression and create future difficulties.

Over the decades I have been saddened by the countless number of ways people abuse and are abused.  It seems like people just invent ways to physically, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually hurt the people they profess they love.  I am especially touched by the stories of people who suffered trauma at an early age.  Some traumas are readily accepted as what is called big “T” Traumas.  There is no question regarding sexual or physical violations and the harm they cause.  But some people are unaware that screaming parents, whether at the child or if the screams are directed to the spouse, create an environment that is unsafe.  When a divorce occurs and a parent leaves the home, feelings of abandonment or rejection can be overwhelming to a child.  I spend many sessions with clients who struggle to overcome the negative messages that they received from significant people in their lives.  They struggle with issues of identity (worthless, unwanted, not important, unloved, etc.) or of safety/trust (helpless, powerless, out of control, failure, etc.).

When one is Traumatized, the coping styles very.  Some strive to push down the memory and effects with drugs, alcohol, hobbies, and even church.  They think that if they distract themselves enough they won’t have to feel.  The problem is that they also are not able to connect.  They are unavailable and struggle to be present with loved ones.

Others seek to control their environment. They strive to make their world safe by perfectionism, overworking, and controlling others. This also makes them unavailable to truly connect with others because they are fearful of letting go, taking risks, and dropping their wall.

There are those who cope by playing the victim.  They blame others for not making them feel loved.  Their anger and critical nature pushes people away.  While others wallow in self-pity.  Believing they have no real value or worth and become inconsolable.   You can imagine how hard it would be to get close to either the blamer or the self-shamer.

Fortunately, humans can find healing. But also, the reality is the same as it was with Behr.  Once the trauma or abuse takes place, unhealthy coping styles can rise up in the future without warning.  It sits in the mind like computer malware.  With the right keystroke, it can deeply effect the environment in sometimes extreme ways.

For the abusers out there.  Stop it!  Get help!  Learn to be a better person.

For the abused, find healing.  Don’t ignore or minimize the past abuses or Traumas.  For the sake of those you say you love and for your own well-being.

And finally, for those who are in relationship with someone who has been Traumatized, BE SAFE.  Your ability to be predictable and trustworthy can be just what they need for healing. If they display a coping style that seems to be extreme, be understanding. They are reacting to a deeper pain that might have roots way in their past.  And count your blessings that they don’t have to be put down like we had to with Behr.